Friday, January 12, 2007

This Morning

I dropped the shampoo...
It hit the floor amazingly fast; and I realized something. Gravity is increasing! Yes, the Earth's gravity is getting stronger. Even the rate at which it's getting stronger is probably increasing, though I haven't figured a way to measure this. Even at the current rate, if I last to 100, the Earth's gravitational pull will probably nearly equal that of a Black Hole.
No wonder my feet hurt.
I think the Climate Change Alarmists should consider worrying about this instead of that wussy little 2 or 3 degrees on the thermometer they're warning us about. I mean, if we're all glued to the ground, what's a little additional sweat to worry about?
I'd also like to know why this is happening. Is it a natural phenomenon, something to do with time and space? Or is it caused by human intervention (like Global Warming)? Is it the Atom Bomb? Perhaps God is angry because we're fighting over His favorite stomping grounds - like Jerusalem. Maybe it's all that missing matter I keep reading about. Maybe it's finding its way to Earth and making our gravity bigger. Or, looking around, maybe the missing matter is conglomerating around the waistlines of America. Attracted by the delicious smell of those Supersized Big Mac Meal Deals. It's adding to the avoirdupois of the population, thus increasing the amount of the world's biomass. I really don't know the answer, but I think we'd better get the government to fund a study. Since they're cutting all that pork in Congress now, there should be a little bit of money for this important study. I urge you to write your congressperson! Please, don't wait, do it today!

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